Doctor Lisa Cuddy's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Doctor Lisa Cuddy [ userinfo | insanejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | insanejournal calendar ]

fandom_muses November [26 Oct 2008|01:02pm] Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. -Eleanor Roosevelt When I was in my second year of medical school, I watched another student perform one incorrect incision on a cadaver, and it ruined things for him for the rest of the semester. Cost a great deal in monetary expenses, and also served to greatly shake his confidence in wondering whether or not he would be able to come through the class and those to follow. Of course he overcame it, medical science isn't for the faint of heart and he wouldn't have been there if he was, but I didn't learn what not to do from that experience in regards to the incision. I knew how to perform the procedure, it wasn't that it was easy but just that I knew it. Instead I learned that one moment of fear, of doubt, of trembling hands, isn't acceptable. There can't be anything other than complete certainty, other than knowing what you've gone in there to do is the right thing. Because one single misstep can destroy a life. That was a mistake I wasn't willing to make in order to learn. post comment

fandom_muses July [23 Jul 2008|11:07pm] How do you make amends? Sometimes, there's no way to make amends. There's no magical way to go back and change time, or make it easier to contend with something that's happened. Even if it wasn't an event that happened at my hands, or something I couldn't have changed, that doesn't always make a difference. Sometimes it's just a matter of guilt that's misplaced, and whether it's misplaced or not that's where it stays. Guilt is one of those monsters that shackles itself around a person's ankles, or the ankles of their consciousness, and stays there indefinitely. I don't think it ever really goes away. The weight might be lightened over time, because we become less aware or less willing to continue to go back to that painful place, but it's still there with us, as part of our lives. And I think the same goes with amends. Once we've done our best to make amends, to move on with our lives, we're granted some kind of silent pardon. For me, that only happens at temple. And really, that's the most I'd ever be able to say about it. Redemption for things that I do can only come from someplace higher, because if I know I have that forgiveness then maybe someday I'll be able to forgive myself. post comment

fandom_muses June [29 Jun 2008|01:15am] Faith is a passionate intuition. - William Wordsworth I didn't believe that it was really Addison's. When House came to my window in the middle of the night, startling me awake and dripping water from the fountain across the lawn outside my bedroom, I thought he was completely out of his mind. Of course he didn't let me get a word in edge wise because he wouldn't have on any other day, but after five minutes of solid talking - diagnosing, really - he turned his clear eyes to mine in search of approval and I couldn't give it to him. He left and I was awake for the rest of the night doing nothing other than wondering. But I didn't wonder about the symptoms as much as I should have. Instead my wonder, my curiosity was focused on him, on House and why I had even gone as far as to listen to him and what he had to say. The first two words out of his mouth had been enough to convince me I thought he was insane, that he was grasping at impossible straws to find an answer that would please him. I thought that the patient was in a coma and would stay there permanently, that he would go home and back to a family who needed to care for him. I thought about this for the rest of the night, and throughout the following morning and day. And that afternoon, I gave the patient, as House suggested, a shot of cortisol. A cure for Addison's. The patient's eyes opened and he stood up from his chair that day. And I wondered why I had done it, but the only thing I could come back to was faith. I didn't have faith in myself, somehow I had faith in House and it turned out to be the right kind of faith to have. 2 comments|post comment

fandom_muses May [18 May 2008|03:33pm] Write a letter of apology. Dear House, I'm sorry. I've been sorry for years, and I never knew how to say it. And I know you have no idea what I'm talking about, not yet, because it's been so long and we've both gone on in such different directions than we would have if this hadn't happened. It's still something I think about, though, still one of those things I can't quite let go of. And I'm not talking about your leg. I know that there was nothing I could have done to stop it, other than being everywhere at the same time, and that's beyond my control. No, I'm sorry that I let you leave. When we were at Michigan with our whole lives ahead of us, you were young and so was I, and I thought that your taking a new job in a new state didn't mean the end of everything. We were happy then, I know that we both were, even if it's ridiculous to look back on it now and think about what could have happened if. And I can't change it now, and I'll probably never send you this letter, but I had to write it anyway. I had to say it once, because I've never admitted it to myself and sometimes we just have to fall on our own swords and confess that we aren't perfect human beings. I was right, I'll never send this. I'll lock it up someplace that you'll never find, and if you do then you can consider yourself serving in the clinic from now until the end of the world. post comment

fandom_muses April [08 Apr 2008|02:13pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] Write a letter to your teenage self. If you are a teenager or a child, write a letter to your grown up self. Dear Lisa, First of all, stop asking questions while you're reading this. I know that you're staring at the paper wondering how this is possible and what could have possibly happened to make this something that you're able to be doing, but my advice to you now - in fact, my insistence to you - is that you just disregard that entirely. Because no matter what, you won't find a scientific explanation or logical reason. Just try and take this for what it is, and know that it's happening for a reason. Everything that you want is within your grasp. It's a matter of what you do with it, with the chances and choices you're presented with. And I know there's one thing I would have done differently, if I'd had the chance to go back. If you have the chance, and opportunity presents itself, even though I'm sure it's a bad idea to give this kind of advice, take this from me now. Don't let him go. You'll know who it is, because he'll be the first and only person that's ever been able to match you in ways that you didn't think were possible to match. You'll feel it, and when you feel it, hold on and don't let go. Don't let him leave without saying goodbye, don't let him just fade out of your life. You'll think it's better at the time, but it isn't in the end. And don't let anyone or anything stop you. You've got the whole world in front of you, waiting. Don't let it go. Hang onto the things that matter the most, and above all, smile. A little more, every day. It makes more of a difference than you think. With love, "Lise" post comment

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