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[08 Dec 2009|11:32pm] |
I've heard that this blogging thing can help one sort out their mind, so I'm going to try this. I've done everything that I know how to do in order to figure out what I want with my life.
When I was younger, family was everything. I sacrificed myself in order to save my father's life. I willingly accepted the punishment as I believed that I was chosen specifically for it, though I know now why I was given the task that I was given to do then. My last year of secondary schooling changed my life forever, however. I watched a war unfold around me and I was stuck in some strange limbo, forced to act a certain way in order to just survive. I had a family image to uphold and it was my duty to protect my family. They were all that I had, after all. It was only at the end of it, when my nemesis from my childhood reached out and chose to save my life, that I realized that things didn't have to be as I had always thought that they had to be. I didn't have to follow my destiny that had been set forth when I was younger. It was okay to change. After a war, it was almost acceptable to change.
So I chose to come here, to Kansas State University, in a world far apart from my own. In my world, I was an aristocrat. I was old money, wealthy, and well-known and respected in some circles. But after that battle that had taken place, when the boy who I was set against from our second meeting had reached out to save my life over my friend's life, I knew that things were changing. The world that I knew no longer existed. I've always been good at adapting, until I came here. Here, the rules have changed on me.
Here, I met and fell in love with a girl who was completely different from everything I had ever known. Oh, I knew her stereotype, but when I got to know her, she was anything but what I had expected. In my old world, though, I never would have talked to this girl save for some hateful words that were just me parroting what I'd been taught my entire life. This girl opened my eyes to a world that had always existed, even in my own, but I'd never thought that it was okay to recognize it as something as value. I let myself change and allowed my emotions and desires to control me for the first time. That part was a mistake, however. I don't regret it, but I know now that that's what caused me all of this trouble--acting without thinking and behaving far too rashly for my own liking. I'm not as good at that as some others that I went to school with before.
Then another wrench was thrown into my life. Because of where we are, a boy who will be very important in my life in my other future came into existence here, somehow. I knew internally that things would not be easy. I warned this boy about how his world would be different and I failed to think about how he would be able to recognize that straight away. After all, he knows me as I will be, not as I am right now. Of course his world would be different. I'm not who I could have been had I not come here. Of course I've changed. I was an idiot, then, and I've failed to make things right between us. But a close friend taught me that maybe it's okay to have differences with people. It's human nature, after all. I can afford to be different from who I had been without letting someone manipulate me into a situation that I don't want to be in.
And that's what I did. I was weak. My godfather would have been severely disappointed in me. I let my own future son manipulate me into a situation where I was completely backed into a corner. Were I in my old world, I never would have survived, and I realize that now. I can't continue like this. I can't let someone manipulate me like that, even my own son. I will always love him and respect him, but I cannot let him push me towards one decision or towards acting in one specific way. I know it will be difficult and the consequences that follow will not be pleasant.
I have to have faith, however, that I know what I'm doing. Every decision comes with a consequence, good or bad. It's our choices that matter in this life. A very wise professor that I had the privilege of knowing understood this. Our choices are what matters the most in life, not who we are or where we come from. And I have to choose what I want, what's best for me, and if the people around me truly care, they'll let me make those choices that are best for me. If they don't understand, then so be it, but I cannot allow anyone to manipulate me openly like this any longer.
It's time for me to choose, as I never got to choose during the second to last year of my secondary schooling as the choices since then have been made for me.
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